With another family Christmas behind us, I have been thinking a lot about the “home is where the heart is” phrase. It sometimes doesn’t feel totally accurate or complete to me. It doesn’t take into account that “home” often includes the people that drive you the most crazy, or cause you the most frustration. It does not mention the different personalities that can create tension when all together for extended periods of time.
We look forward to Christmas every year, because it is the time, in our family, when most of us are together at the same time. This is no easy task, given how many different cities and states we all now live in. The excitement and expectation build and we can hardly wait to be together.
Then, we all get together and in spite of everyone’s best intentions, some sort of episode inevitably occurs. Most often it starts over something small, then turns into something big, complete with eye rolling, sighing, yelling and a lot of crying. Why this happens is hard to say. It can’t be blamed on our childhoods, we enjoyed a safe, happy home, with loving parents. Maybe the why doesn’t really matter.
So, if we know how it will turn out, why do we continue to do it? It comes back to the “home is where the heart is”. This group of people, with their opinions and accompanying drama, occupy the biggest part of my heart. I’ve known them the longest, have lived with them and belong to them. I carry pieces of them with me, without even having to think about it. I think of Heidi whenever I am not brave enough to do something, because I admire (and envy) her boldness. I can’t see “Billy Madison” without thinking of Christie. Jenny’s independence and drive inspires me. Troy’s kindness and patience comforts me, Eric’s dry wit makes me laugh out loud and Vic’s relationship with the children moves me. Mom has the ability to make everyone feel loved, welcome, supported and wanted, no matter how tired she is. Dad’s intelligence and unconditional love humble me.
Since we aren’t together very often, these are the things I dwell on about my family. The tense, dramatic moments fade into the background when I’m away from my family and I just pack up all of these things and carry them around with me.
I know it’s been said that “your family only loves you because they have to”. Maybe not totally accurate, but maybe it’s also not such a bad thing. Maybe there’s some safety in this. That in a scary, unpredictable world, how your family feels about you at the end of the day stays the same. This is why we can be our real selves (which sometimes includes some not-so-desirable behavior), and know that we are always loved and wanted.
Yes, these are the people that drive us the most crazy, push all of the right buttons to start a fight. But these are also the same people that you call when you’re having a new baby, getting a promotion, or buying a house. They are also the people you call first when you feel like you’re the worst mother in the world, when your baby is sick, when you’ve had an accident and so on and so on.
This is why I come back. These places, people and memories make up the best of me. They are my home. And my heart wants to be with them. So maybe the phrase is ok as it is…”home is where the heart is”.
We look forward to Christmas every year, because it is the time, in our family, when most of us are together at the same time. This is no easy task, given how many different cities and states we all now live in. The excitement and expectation build and we can hardly wait to be together.
Then, we all get together and in spite of everyone’s best intentions, some sort of episode inevitably occurs. Most often it starts over something small, then turns into something big, complete with eye rolling, sighing, yelling and a lot of crying. Why this happens is hard to say. It can’t be blamed on our childhoods, we enjoyed a safe, happy home, with loving parents. Maybe the why doesn’t really matter.
So, if we know how it will turn out, why do we continue to do it? It comes back to the “home is where the heart is”. This group of people, with their opinions and accompanying drama, occupy the biggest part of my heart. I’ve known them the longest, have lived with them and belong to them. I carry pieces of them with me, without even having to think about it. I think of Heidi whenever I am not brave enough to do something, because I admire (and envy) her boldness. I can’t see “Billy Madison” without thinking of Christie. Jenny’s independence and drive inspires me. Troy’s kindness and patience comforts me, Eric’s dry wit makes me laugh out loud and Vic’s relationship with the children moves me. Mom has the ability to make everyone feel loved, welcome, supported and wanted, no matter how tired she is. Dad’s intelligence and unconditional love humble me.
Since we aren’t together very often, these are the things I dwell on about my family. The tense, dramatic moments fade into the background when I’m away from my family and I just pack up all of these things and carry them around with me.
I know it’s been said that “your family only loves you because they have to”. Maybe not totally accurate, but maybe it’s also not such a bad thing. Maybe there’s some safety in this. That in a scary, unpredictable world, how your family feels about you at the end of the day stays the same. This is why we can be our real selves (which sometimes includes some not-so-desirable behavior), and know that we are always loved and wanted.
Yes, these are the people that drive us the most crazy, push all of the right buttons to start a fight. But these are also the same people that you call when you’re having a new baby, getting a promotion, or buying a house. They are also the people you call first when you feel like you’re the worst mother in the world, when your baby is sick, when you’ve had an accident and so on and so on.
This is why I come back. These places, people and memories make up the best of me. They are my home. And my heart wants to be with them. So maybe the phrase is ok as it is…”home is where the heart is”.
7 comments:
Thank you Allison for posting this very truthful account of what it's like to be in our family. I know lot's of families - many of them never fight and seem to enjoy eacother's company. But then I wonder how genuine it is? I know they all have issues - I know they talk about eachother behind their backs and b/c of these issues have choosen a life of distance from one another. So I wonder, would I rather be honest and argue and disagree, or would I rather create a seemingly happy front and real distance from my family/sisters? I'll take the disagreements and the challenges b/c at least it's truthful and as long as we keep fighting, I know we all still care immensly. That says a lot.
call the zoo!
ah. i love crying over blogs at work. at least i'm a therapist and can be okay with that :)
i agree- a lovely, honest post. i'm still thinking on it to post something more yet.
i would love to see more of your pictures though!
i agree with christie. i love blogs that make you cry. i love the fact that alli is good with words. i can never express myself the way i want to. i too believe that the best parts of who we are as individuals is directly related to who we are as a family. our family is not too far off from that of "my big fat greek wedding" even though we do not roast a pig in our front yard, our family is loud, in each others' business, and we are always eating... (that is the tsa in each of us i think). but we have such a unique family. i think that because of our parents, we were all able to express ourselves freely and become who we are. we are all unique and different. however, we are all the same too. at the end of the day, no matter what, i would defend each one of you to the end. always. i love different things about each one of us. i never realized growing up right away that dad is brilliant. he is such an awesome man of god, and an incredible role model. and no matter how old i get, i know in my heart that he has the power to fix anything that is wrong in my life. mom.. every time i think about her, i get a lump in my throat and my heart feels like it stops for just a moment. i get excited when my phone rings, and it is her. sometimes i can hardly wait for my day to end and i get to call her for no reason on the way to get the kids. mom fills me with joy. i love her smell. everyday i thank god for her. who she is reminds me more and more how much like grandma laverty she is. and we all know that there is no one better. her ability to say the right things all the time astounds me. if there were a picture in proverbs 31, i am sure that next to grandma would be mom. when it comes to sisters, i know we all have something that makes us tick. i must admit i pride myself in knowing what makes alli tick. it is a gift that has taken years to perfect! however, i love alli's ability to express herself with words. i also envy the blue eyes.
i just realized i was posting from troy's name. i will finish under my own name. it wouldn't let me type anymore...
i was a bit confused when i was reading "troy's" comments for a minute thinking that it's sweet - but doesn't really seem like troy. 'till i got the end and i knew it was heidi :) well, as dysfunctional as we all are - we all do seem to love eachother!! people always say how exactly alike we all are - but i think that's really changing as we're older. i know we're similar. but we have fundamental differences. personality conflicts are always dificult. Whether it's with friends or family it's hard to mesh with everyone - no matter how much you love them. but i'll continue to work and learn how to blend me in with all of you - and hope you'll all do the same!!
This is a test - don't waste your time
I think I have it now. I have tried to post successfully for the last hour - set up a new account. We will see what happens.
What a wonderful way to communicate. I am amazed that we can say things on paper that we find difficult to say in person. I think we must work on that. I think I am more touchy feely, and want to be able to see your faces. Each one of you are the most precious gift God gave us, and I am devastated when I watch any of you cry, or I think I have disappointed any of you. It hurts my heart. Maybe we should rethink the time at Christmas, and come together in February instead. Worth thinking about. You certainly all bring your own gifts to the table, we need to work at appreciating each gift God gave us. I will be thinking about this throughout the day, and I am sure there is more I want to say. Please just know Dad and I love each of you with all our hearts, even when we don't and can't help with all the needs in your lives.
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